Over the past couple years I have become increasingly open about talking, writing, blogging, and advocating about things that are important to me, including my chronic illnesses but I definitely wasn’t always this way and my family, for all their wonderful other qualities, is more the suffer in silence type. That is how I grew up and it wasn’t until recently I realized the toll it has taken on me. *Side note: I do believe that this system works for some people and keep them happier, I’m not judging.* Back to glorious me. The problem with suffer in silence is that, intentionally or subconsciously, it creates a wall between you and “everyone else”. After all, how could you possibly know that another person was facing similar challenges as you if they are also silent? One of my most valued friendships is with someone that I despised in high school because she was getting help for what turned out to be the same condition I had (she hated me back because I flew under the radar). We reconnected after my diagnosis and confessed our mutual hatred for each other and turns out we are very similar people with similar struggles and challenges and we keep each other sane (lol, if you can call it that L.B.N). Yes, that is a extreme example but hang in there.
We are social creatures. We strive to make connections with others, find the people who make us laugh and support us, and teach us about the world. We long to fit in, to be noticed, or even to be famous. But who here can say that they have felt it is easier or better or more desired to suffer in silence no matter how big or small the challenge is? I struggled through my education beating myself up along the way for not being able to figure out long division, for NEVER being able to spell things right, for trying to fit in harder than I tried to learn. Growing up in an area that prides academic achievement as a critical pillar of your existence, I felt like a failure even though I “made good grades and had good friends”. It wasn’t just academically either, family stress... silence, friend drama... silence, depression... silence, and pain... silence. Then I graduated and moved to Birmingham, AL. Which made it so. much. worse. There saving face is critical to social acceptance. It was suffocating for me and I’m fairly certain contributed to my physical and mental health getting so much worse. There is a great Miranda Lambert song (oh no Julie... not country. Yes. Country.) called “Mama’s Broken Heart” about a breakup and saving face. It “don’t matter how you feel, it only matters how you look... my mama came from a softer generation where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face”.
So I left and moved back here and that is when I decided to stop hiding and start being open about all kinds of things and I have been amazed at where it has lead me. I have accepted the vulnerability that comes with exposing hurt, weakness, and challenges and through it have gained truly amazing friends, education, healing and perspective. I no longer feel totally alone in this world which I am remind of even in my worst days by the true connections I have made with others. I am learning to express myself, care for myself, and help others. I truly believe that vulnerability leads to connection and connection leads to understanding and understanding leads to compassion and compassion... well compassion is pretty powerful stuff.
“The irony that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable but our wholeness - even our wholeheartedness- actually depends on the integration of all our experiences including the falls. “ -Brene Brown
